Boundaries sound pretty straightforward in theory: know what you need, communicate it, and stick to it. In practice, however, it is almost never quite that simple. For many of us, saying “no” brings up a lot of guilt. We might worry about disappointing someone, seeming selfish, or being seen as difficult. If you’re used to putting other people’s needs first, even a small boundary can feel extremely uncomfortable.
A boundary is a way of communicating what you are and aren’t comfortable with, as well as what you have the time or energy to take on. Having boundaries doesn’t mean you care less about people. In fact, being honest about what you can realistically give to another person can make your relationships healthier. Saying yes to everything while quietly becoming overwhelmed or resentful typically doesn’t benefit anyone.
Why Boundaries Can Be So Difficult
One of the hardest parts of setting boundaries is accepting that other people probably won’t like them. If someone is used to you always being available, your new boundary may disappoint them. They might be frustrated or even push back. When that happens, it can be very tempting to start explaining yourself, apologising, or giving in to make things feel comfortable again.
Other people will likely have feelings about your limits. You can acknowledge and consider those feelings without taking responsibility for making them go away.
You might feel guilty when another person is upset and wonder whether you’ve been unreasonable. Sometimes, that guilt isn’t a sign that you’ve done something wrong; it may simply be a sign that you’re doing something new. And sometimes, what feels like guilt may actually be the discomfort of absorbing another person’s emotions.
Setting and Maintaining Boundaries
If setting boundaries is new for you, try starting small. One useful habit is to pause before automatically saying “yes” and take some time before giving your answer. You can think of it as putting a speed bump in front of your decision. This gives you a chance to work out what you actually want rather than responding out of habit.
Maintaining a boundary can be just as difficult as setting one. Someone may ask again, question your decision, or remind you how much they need you. Sometimes, simply repeating yourself is enough. You don’t necessarily need to come up with a better explanation. You may feel guilty while you’re doing it or wonder if you were too harsh. Feeling uncomfortable doesn’t necessarily mean you need to change your mind. In fact, that discomfort may be a useful reminder of why you established the boundary in the first place. Boundaries are something we learn and practise. You won’t always get them exactly right, and your boundaries may change as your circumstances change. The point isn’t to become someone who never disappoints anyone; it is about becoming more comfortable recognising what you need and being able to communicate it honestly. Having a boundary simply means balancing compassion by including yourself in the list of people you are protecting.