Have you ever made a mistake and immediately turned it into a full-blown character assessment? Maybe you forgot something, said the wrong thing, or made a decision you wish you could take back, only to find yourself replaying it over and over and giving yourself a hard time for it.
Now imagine a friend makes exactly the same mistake. You’d probably reassure them. You might tell them that everyone makes mistakes, that it wasn’t as bad as they think, or that they’ll figure it out. Unfortunately, it is often much harder to offer ourselves that same kindness.
Why Are We So Hard on Ourselves?
The inner critic is the internal voice that points out our mistakes and shortcomings. It might tell you that you’re not doing enough, that you’re falling behind, or you’re simply not good enough. For some people, that voice can be very loud and can feel so familiar that they don’t question it.
The way we talk to ourselves can be shaped by our experiences growing up and by our relationships with other people. Sometimes being hard on ourselves can even feel useful. We might believe that if we’re critical enough, we’ll stay motivated and avoid making mistakes.
The problem is that constantly criticising ourselves doesn’t usually make life easier. It can leave us feeling ashamed, anxious, and inadequate. There is an important difference between recognising that we made a mistake and deciding that the mistake defines who we are.
Learning to Respond Differently
A good starting point is simply noticing how you speak to yourself. When the inner critic shows up, you might ask:
- Is this thought actually true?
- Would I speak to someone I care about this way?
- Am I only focusing on what went wrong?
- What would I say to a friend who was in this same situation?
- Is there a more balanced way of looking at this?
You could even give your inner critic a name. Something like “The Extremely Unhelpful Life Coach” can make it a little easier to recognise that this is a voice that has developed over time, rather than an unquestionable truth.
The aim isn’t to replace every negative thought with a positive one. Instead, it’s about finding a way of responding that is honest without being unnecessarily harsh.
Practising Self-Compassion
Being kinder to yourself doesn’t mean letting yourself off the hook or pretending that mistakes don’t matter. It means recognising that you’re going to make mistakes, have awkward moments, and make questionable decisions. If you’re constantly feeling inadequate and wondering why nothing you accomplish ever feels like enough, counselling can be a useful place to explore that pattern. Together, we can look at where your critical voice may have come from, how it affects the way you see yourself, and what it might look like to develop a different relationship with yourself.